SecretAgentMan's Dossier

Irascible Look at Goofy News

Activists are trying to prevent spraying for mosquitos: "We will continue to say pesticides are toxic at any dose -- please stop making us sick," said Whiteman, who says she suffers from sensitivity to chemicals." My dear, of course pesticides are toxic. They’re supposed to be toxic. What would you like them to spray mosquitos with? Something inert, like the stuff between John Kerry’s synapses?

From a story about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s "Girlie Man" comment: "Originally popularized in a Schwarzenegger-inspired Saturday Night Live skit about a pair of fitness gurus, the governor's use of the term "girlie men" angered legislators, gays and women's groups." Apparently, this shoe fit.

Canada goes postal over mailman-shaped dog treats: "The pet store chain, which has 292 outlets in Canada, agreed to withdraw the treats after it received a letter from Canada Post saying that employees were concerned about the risks mail carriers face from dogs and unhappy with having dog biscuits shaped in their likeness." A Canadian study commission has proposed replacing the biscuits with treats shaped like Christians. "These new biscuits aren’t for lions," said Jack Cretin, head of Canada’s Commission for Peace and Tolerance, "but we’re working on that."

Billy Crystal's new movie:  "When Valkyrie Met Neibelungen."More than 80 percent of single German women are perfectly happy without a man in tow . . . the survey of 1,003 women showed only two percent did not enjoy their solitary lifestyle and 36 percent opted to stay single because it was more fun. Almost half the women said they preferred single life because it was easier to keep their homes tidy and 36 percent said . . . they didn't have to endure watching sports on television. A sign of the decline of the West? Inroads of ungldoy individualism? Perhaps. But if your alternative is Arnold Schwarzenneger . . . .

Planned Parenthood lowers the bar on pedophilia . . . [P]eople e-mailed or called to complain about the project in which older teens were allowed to make condom necklaces fashioned of nylon netting, condom packets and pipecleaners. Planned Parenthood representatives said the activity was aimed at removing the stigma and secrecy from contraceptive use. "The intent is to make condoms a normal part of life," said Paul Robinson, community relations director. "You do what attracts the older youth." The necklace project was so popular among older teens that the booth ran out of supplies, said Deanna Leitner, public affairs field organizer with Planned Parenthood. But younger children were not allowed to make the necklaces or take free condoms. "We were talking about condoms and being safe," she said. "I'm certainly not doing what I'm accused of doing, which is distributing condoms to very young children." First Planned Parenthood draws the line at "older youth," then "older teens," then "younger children," and finally "very young children." But it shouldn’t be thought that these people lack morals. They absolutely refuse to distribute condoms to unborn children.

"This is my breast implant. There are many like it, but this one is mine . . .": "[M]embers of all four branches of the U.S. military can get face-lifts, breast enlargements, liposuction and nose jobs for free -- something the military says helps surgeons practice their skills." This is the kind of story that leaves me in doubt about what to do. Quote Plutarch’s account of the orders Caesar gave his legionaries before the battle of Pharsalia? (Caesar ordered them to "strike . . . upwards into the eyes and faces of the enemy; telling them that those fine young dancers would never endure the steel shining in their eyes, but would fly to save their handsome faces.") Or lament that a hundred billion dollars’ worth of sophisticated and destructive weaponry is being entrusted to youngsters so witless that they’d let Army plastic surgeons "practice" on them?

MAN ATTACKED BY MIDGET LAWYER!!!!"Peter Fischel, a marine biologist at the Skidaway Institute of Oceanography, said that barracudas are not usually aggressive toward humans. "It's quite a myth that they go out and attack people," Fischel said. "Generally, it's a mistake by the fish when they bite someone.". That’s what we all say until we can swim really, really close.