SecretAgentMan's Dossier

Hell, I Wouldn't Comment Either

Thanks to Christopher Blosser for updating my blog. Unfortunately, though, I have the new-style comment boxes that require fellow blowhards to enter a password and identifier from a menu of omnivorous corporate data hogs.

"This blog does not allow anonymous comments. Please enter the RFID number Google has implanted under your skin, your Google password, your Google social security number, Google date of birth, Google bank routing number and tell Google a little about yourself. That's a good minion."

When did Google get taken over by Nigerian scammers?

"Google is run by Cynthia Okore, wife of the late General Okore. Read General's tragic plane accident here. Google wishes to give you many moneys to distribute to needy causes in your country with commission for yourself. Google's attorneys require the RFID number Google has implanted under your skin, your Google password, your Google social security number, Google date of birth, Google bank routing number and tell Google a little about yourself. Yours in whatever new age fad we have displayed this week."

Soon there'll be a voice-recognition comment system run by GoogleSkype, or GoogleAT&T:

"Gracias por llamar Google, la localización del Internet para todas sus necesidades de la realidad. Para proceder en español, ahora presione 1."

"Mi dankas vin pro vokanta Google, Interreto loko malgrau via realajo bezonas. Se vi volas procedi En Esperanto, gazetaro 2 hodiau."

"Thank you for calling Google, the Internet location for all your reality needs. If you wish to proceed in English, press 3 now."

BEEEE!

"Thank you for calling Google, the Internet location for all your reality needs. Please enter the twenty-digit RFID number Google has implanted under your skin, followed by the pound sign.

Beeb-beep-boop-baaa-bee-baaa-buu-breee-haa-baa-hoo-beep-bee-rrrrr-boo-baa-baap-bee-baaa-buu-breee-baaaaa.

Thank you. You entered the following twenty-digit RFID number 13567235996831644821. If this is correct, press 1 now.

Beeee.

Thank you. Please enter your Google password, your Google social security number, Google date of birth, Google bank routing number and tell Google a little about yourself, followed by the pound sign."

&%&*%*&(#$&*^*&^*(^(*5$%*$*$*$&$$&$&$@@@@

Google did not understand your last entry. Please try again before we cancel all your credit cards. Enter your Google password, your Google social security number, Google date of birth, Google bank routing number and tell Google a little about yourself, followed by the pound sign."

[thirty minutes later]

Thank you. Would you like to enroll in GoogleAdvantage, the home appliance use monitoring system? Say yes or no at your own peril.

NO!

Thank you. One last question before we begin. Google is updating our RFID technology. Press 1 if the skin on your left wrist begins to itch. We appreciate your cooperation.

!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111111

Google did not understand your last entry. Please try again before we show every burglar in the world where your house is vulnerable and when you're not at home. Press 1 if the skin on your left wrist begins to itch. We appreciate your cooperation.

1

Thank you. Select your comment from the following options. Please pay attention, as the menu may have changed:

To leave a recorded message about Google's outstanding customer service, press 1.

To leave a recorded message explaining why you love Google, press 2.

To call the blog's author a moron, press 3.

To inflate an aside or tangential vague statement in a blog post into the main point of the author's existence and then refute or confirm that existence at length, press 4.

To superimpose your own world view on a blog post and identify the author as a Republican or Democrat fascist, press 5.

To superimpose your own world view on a blog post and identify the author as a Republican or Democrat communist, press 6.

To superimpose your own world view on a blog post and identify the author as a Freemason, press 7.

To accuse Google of being a secret world front for Freemasonry because it assigned Freemasonry the number 7, press 8.

To call the blog's author a genius, press 9.

To complain that the author secretly approves of something terrible and unrelated to his post, press 10.

To praise the author for secretly approving of something wonderful and unrelated to his post, press 11.

To exploit an unrelated blog post as an opportunity to advertise your own goofy product or service, press 12.

To expose the author as one who exalts form over substance, press 13.

To expose the author as an indifferentist, press 14.

To spend time with a loved one or friend, hang up and dial your operator.

Sheesh.