Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Wrath of Khan, Part I: The Eugenicists Strike Again!!!

Courtesy of Mark Shea's Catholic and Enjoying It! we read yet another installment of his epic, "Sin Makes You Stupid." This time it's an article from the Akademischer Beobachter Harvard Gazette which has triggered just about all my neuropathies about Button-Down Nazis from the East cackling maniacally as they plan more Brave New Vietnams and Internal Revenue Codes. The article's in black, my comments in blue. All photos courtesy of the Akademischer Beobachter archives.

[Chad "The Big Embryo" Cowan works on unborn children
at Harvard's Department of Molecular and Cellular Biology.]

Melton Derives New Stem Cell Lines

Driven by both personal and humane concerns, Doug "Mengele" Melton has produced 17 new lines of genetically-mutilated humans embryonic stem cells, which can, in theory, be coaxed into becoming any type of adult tissue from kidneys to spinal cords and anything in between -- anything, that is, except the complete adult human bodies they were supposed to have.

[Melton believes stem cells should be available to all researchers.]

He isolated the cells from excess people fertilized eggs obtained from Sonderkommandos in vitro fertilization clinics with their owners' permission. "All the couples were very flattered to be asked," said Heinrich Eichman, director of the Lebensraum Clinic in Wooster, Massachusetts, where Professor Melton went for most of his untermenschen, "Few people recognize just how god-like we are, with our power over life and death. They thought it was nice to be noticed."

The eggs are grown into embryos from which the stem cells are extracted before the embryos show any signs of life. Because, as any Harvard-educated Professor of Natural Science will be happy to tell you, the creation of cells is not a sign of life. "Nosir, there ain't nuthin' in them aigs but itty bitt thangs without one single sahn of lahf," said Professor Melton, spitting tobacco juice into the paper cup which has become his signature on campus. The federal government limits funding for such research to 64 lines of frozen people cells already in existence. These restrictions come from the belief by sniff! some people that embryos are alive and that cell extraction destroys them. Actually, they come from George Junior's fear that he'll look like some kind of pro-life nut to the masses, and his resovlve to authorize at least some human experimentation in order to seem reasonable. "I believe experimentation on unborn children should be safe, legal -- and rare," the President is quoted as saying. Most scientists do not agree with this belief. "Hail," said Professor Melton, "we ain't destroyed a gall-darned thang, and ifn' them little blobs o'jello is livin,' then ah'm a Harvard aig-head! They ain't livin! They just divahd and multiplah while we coax ‘em into becomin' parts of human bodies. You call that livin', boah, and all I can say is you haven't spent Friday naht in Memphis with a fifth o'Jack Daniels and a couple of low-mileage pit woofies!"

When Melton, Thomas Dudley Cabot Professor of Natural Sciences at Harvard and Howard Hughes Medical Institute investigator, not to mention the Irma Greise Chair of Genetics, the Josef Kramer Prize for Twins Research, and the Iron Cross with Oak Leaves, Swords and Diamonds looked into the supply of frozen stem cells, he judged it wholly inadequate. Which was a good thing, because the Big Pharma companies funding his and Harvard's research were very upset at the restricted number of human beings they had to play around with, and were hoping that ways would be found to expand the pool of human parts-boxes. Information is lacking on the viability of many of these cell lines I thought that didn't matter, since none of them are alive to begin with? Isn't that what John Kerry and all the other Ivy-League ubermen are telling us? That abortion isn't killing a human being because the "fetus" isn't "viable"? Now here's Herr Doktor Melton, worrying that the "embryos" he wants to experiment on might not be "viable." To be pro-death you've got to have an "embryonic" brain -- you know, a brain that shows no signs of life. and access to others involves restricted usage. "I could not convince myself that any of the cell lines would be available or useful," he though he'd actually tried.

Also, some of the providers charge as much as $5,000 for the frozen cells depending on whether they're mulattos, quadroons, octaroons, or darkies straight from the ghetto. I tell you, Charlie Rice is just nuts when he compares pro-abortion thinking to the reasoning that gave us Dred Scott! That's why Charlie's teaching at a low-rent joint like Notre Dame instead of running with the Big Minds at Harvard. Melton thinks that something so important for the potential treatment of human ills ranging from Alzheimer's and diabetes to Parkinson's and spine repair should be free to all legitimate researchers. Just like a Harvard education, which is sooooooo important for the potential treatment of, well, everything, should be free to all legitimate students! How noble, Professor! How farsighted of you -- to have realized the injustice of Harvard charging so much as a thin dime to anyone who's thirsting after the precious knowledge it has to offer! Where will future generations of genocidal maniacs come from if we start erecting class and price barriers to anyone who wants to help KlineSmithGlaxo develop a pre-abortion test for children who would otherwise be plagued in life by bad grades, non-conformist tendencies, and cellulite? He plans to make the new lines developed at Harvard available to such researchers. And for free, too -- you betcha! Just send your box of dry-ice with return postage, and Doc' Melton will set you up with your own hatchery where you ensure that only Deltas are born to Delta parents! Just add water and watch as the Sea Monk . . . er. . . . ahem . . . "Every child a planned and wanted child!"

"I am gratified that Harvard can participate in the advancement of stem cell research, which holds such enormous promise for transforming the treatment of disease," said William C. Kirby, Dean of the FAS and Edith and Benjamin Geisinger Professor of History. Not to mention the Helena P. Blavatsky Chair of Differential Thinking and the Aldous Huxley Center for the Study of Unintended Consequences, "Professor Melton's creation of new stem cell lines, and the University's wider collaborative efforts, can contribute significantly to worldwide research in this area." You can tell he's a Dean, by the way -- this trick-pony phrase could be used about anything, which is a good thing since Deans don't have the slightest idea what the hell's going on in their institutions. Let me prove it: ‘I am gratified that Southern Boise Community College can participate in the advancement of feminist NASCAR research, which holds such enormous promise for transforming [circle one -- "the Securities and Exchange Commission" / "the field of sports medicine" / "our knowledge of global warming" -- hell, circle all of them]."

Melton has a very personal reason for wanting to experiment with high quality stem cells. His two children, Emma, 16, and Sam, 12, have insulin-dependent, or juvenile, diabetes. They frequently inject themselves with the insulin they need to stay alive, but that does not halt the gradual organ degeneration that can eventually lead to kidney failure, blindness, and malfunctioning limbs. Melton would like to be able to use stem cells to make working insulin-secreting cells that prevent this long-term suffering for them and a million others in the United States. Okay, time to recite Rule of Ethical Rhetoric #1 -- when private distress is pimped as a justification for public action, it forfeits the veil of respectful silence properly given to purely-private affairs. Perhaps "Mengele" Melton could explain why, if he can kill children for medicine that makes life easier for other children, he and Frau Melton weren't entitled to just abort Emma and Sam, and all their follow-on embryos, until they got two which weren't so susceptible to diabetes? In fact, didn't they have a duty -- to the volk, the Reich, and the (yet-to-be-named) Fuhrer -- to do so? No, and why? Because such genetic tests haven't been perfected yet, and they won't be until the Herr Doktor and others like him get done pawing through the genes of a few thousand babies like hungry drunks looking for that can of Vienna Sausages they just know is in the back of the pantry.

So let's assume the Herr Doktor and his Recite-The-Phone-Book-Chair colleagues succeed in developing a test for predisposition to diabetes -- in parents, or "embryos," or "fetuses." What then? I suppose the Herr Doktor assumes that such tests will be used for expensive therapy so that the born children will have been cured of their genetic high risk factors for developing diabetes, or expensive therapy so that children who develop the condition can get new pancreases. Like it's going to cost a hundred bucks to have InGen or Eli Lilly drop a pancreas into a FedEx envelope for home installation after dinner on Tuesday. Like it's going to cost a thousand bucks, ten thousand bucks, a hundred thousand bucks. Wouldn't it be easier, cheaper, and better for everyone concerned if we just started culling these defective gene lines out of the race altogether?
Finally, careful nurturing Uh, how do you "nurture" something that SHOWS NO SIGNS OF LIFE????? of embryonic stem cells in the laboratory should answer many questions about the earliest stages of human Uh, doesn't that mean that the growing beings in the lab ARE HUMAN????? development, about how we become what we are. In Melton's words, the stem cells "offer a unique window into the study of human early development." "In almost every case," he said, "we've observed that embryos who become what we are haven't been in close proximity to geneticists with God-complexes as big as mushroom clouds. That may suggest an interesting direction for further research."

[Human stem cells growing in glass cups are fed daily in Melton's lab.]

Potential (i.e. "vulnerable") vs. Actual (i.e., "capable of dialing 911") Life.

For all these reasons, Melton took things into his own hands. "I remember saying to myself," he said, "I'm a god, why not take things into my own hands?" He contacted a local in vitro fertilization laboratory where couples who cannot conceive naturally do so with the help of eggs and sperm that are fertilized outside their bodies, then implanted into the mother's womb WHERE THEY SHOW NO -- REPEAT NO -- SIGNS OF LIFE WHATSOEVER!!! In the course of this process, which seeks "procreation which is not the fruit of a specific act of conjugal union, [and] objectively effects an analogous separation between the goods and the meanings of marriage . . . as the product of an intervention of medical or biological techniques [which are the] equivalent to reducing [the child] to an object of scientific technology. embryos that are not implanted are frozen and stored. Melton worked with Boston IVF of Waltham, to obtain such fertilized cells pursuant to the Supreme Court's "Night and Fog" law of 1973. "It was really easy," Melton said, "we just said we were from the Gene Gestapo, and all doors opened as if by magic!" With the help of his colleagues at Harvard, including Chad "The Big Embryo" Cowan and Andrew "Meat Lump" McMahon, and Doug "No Signs of Life" Powers at Boston IVF the Lebensraum clinic, Melton developed the 17 new stem cell lines. The feat was announced at a scientific conference late last year and is described online in a March 3 report from the New England Journal of Medicine. "A prodigious feat of genetic prestidigitation, ladies and gentlemen!!! Step right this way to see the dog-headed boy we're never going to create, until much, much later, that is! The work was supported by Harvard University, the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, and the Howard Hughes Medical Institute.

Melton got around federal funding restrictions, but what does he say to knuckle-dragging, bible-thumping retarded people who believe that life begins upon conception? "Unquestionably," he answers, preparing, in the best Hahvahd tradition, to question everything "the material from which these stem cells are derived has the potential to form a life. But this potential is very low. "Because when we get done freezing, injecting, and otherwise screwing around with them," he said, "these unborn children are not what you'd call prime genetic material. In fact, if I might use a technical phrase, these embryos are "Lebensunwertes Leben." For those of you who are unfamiliar with the jargon that means "don't worry about it." Those who say that frozen embryos are identical to children are mistaken. Of course that's mistaken, which is why us knuckle-dragging, bible-thumping retards don't say that. What we do say is that embryos are morally indistinguishable from children. But since the Novus Homo Harvardiensis can't detect morals, only materials, it's not surprising that the message gets lost amidst the Big Brains of Cambridge. You cannot take a child and put it in a freezer. Sure you can. If the freezer's not running, the child will suffocate, and if the freezer's running, you can add hypothermia to the cause-of-death line on the coroner's certificate. What "Mengele" Melton means is that the government won't let you put ambulatory, fully-developed children into freezers and that this makes all the difference in the world. Where's that quote . . . hmmmm. . . . yes, here it is! "The Fascist conception of the State is all embracing; outside of it no human or spiritual values can exist, much less have value. Thus understood, Fascism, is totalitarian, and the Fascist State - a synthesis and a unit inclusive of all values - interprets, develops, and potentiates the whole life of a people." If the State will let you kill ‘em, then they're not human beings. It's really that simple, if your brain's big enough for Harvard. We need to draw a strong line between what has the potential for life and what is alive. Because if we don't, I wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing. Now you don't want God sitting around without anything to do, do you?

[Postdoctoral fellow Chad "The Big Embryo" Cowan (left) and Professor Melton expect that the bodies of children they've helped kill may someday be used to prolong the lives of Melton's children and a million other people with insulin-dependent diabetes. "Of course," said Melton, "there is always the question of Leben nur als Laft, "Life only as a burden." Fortunately, the children whose bodies we've killed in order to help other children aren't going to be burdened any more."]

* * *

[A chart produced by the Reich Propaganda Office Harvard University Department of Teacher Resources shows that the total cost of caring for 880,000 people ill with hereditary disease was 1200 million Reichsmarks, which was almost double the 713 million Reichsmarks spent on the administration of the national, state, and local government]

"Even more important," he continues, "the material we used was selekted slated for sonderbehandlung destruction. From that point of view, and after smoking enough dope, one could almost consider our position pro-life. We took something that was going to be destroyed made sure it really was destroyed, and isolated cells from it then hacked them up and mucked around with the genetic parts to come up with something that could improve the lives of people suffering from disease and trauma. Gotta love the ethical subtleties here. "Honey, I've decided to kill you tomorrow, at high noon, in the town square. So since you're going to die anyway, why don't I kill you now and make it look like an accident? That way the kids and I can use the insurance money. Honey, what's wrong? Don't you understand? My decision is almost, from a certain point of view, pro-family! Now stop squirming and let me put this needle under your big toenail . . . ." I don't know of any scientist who thinks this was a bad idea or that it should not have been done." MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE THEIR BRAINS CAME FROM EMBRYOS THAT SHOWED NO SIGN OF LIFE WHATSOEVER!!!

[This illustration shows that an entire family of healthy Germans can live for one day on the same 5.50 Reichsmarks it costs to support one ill person for the same amount of time.]

* * *

["According to proven statistics, an alcoholic will have 894 descendants in 83 years and of these 40 will live in extreme poverty, 67 will be hardened criminals, 7 will be murderers, 181 will turn to prostitution, and 142 will be beggars. Altogether, these "asocials" and their activities will cost 5 million Reichmarks!]

Privately funded efforts to study the feasibility of using embryonic stem cells to treat disease and make replacements for malfunctioning organs are proceeding at Harvard and other universities, such as Stanford, Johns Hopkins, Wisconsin-Madison, Minnesota, and U.C., San Francisco. Harvard's effort is expected to be the largest.Because, well, Harvard has the Biggest Brains. "I am gratified that Harvard can participate in the advancement of stem cell research, which holds such enormous promise for creating a renewable food source," said William C. Kirby, Dean of the FAS and the Soylent Chair of Bioethics and History. "Professor Melton's creation of new stem cell lines, and the University's wider collaborative efforts, can contribute significantly to worldwide research in this area. Naturally, they will breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time and little to do. With the proper breeding techniques, and starting with a ratio of, say, ten women to each man, I should estimate the progeny of the original group of 200,000 would emerge a hundred years later as well over a hundred million. . . . . MEIN FUHRER! I CAN WALK!!!!

Last month, researchers in South Korea announced the creation of 30 embryos by a more controversial method - cloning. In this technique, human embryos were cloned from a single adult cell, then stem cells were removed from the embryos. Conceivably, the embryos can be grown into a full-term child, but the Korean scientists say they will not try to do this. "We were going to try," said In-Jung Pak , Director of the At-Least-It's-Not-North-Korea's-Nukes Foundation for the Eradication of Man, "but then we read how Professor Melton, who has a really, really big brain, said that embryos have no signs of life and don't have anything to do with children. So we gave that up as a dead end."

[Korean scientists had hoped to clone sources
of replacement body-parts for human beings].

To expand the research done by Melton, Harvard University plans to establish a Stem Cell Institute devoted to research on the use of stem cells. Gee, that's a curveball -- a Stem Cell Institute devoted to Stem Cells. Gotta hand it to the Veritas boys, you don't think connections like that just happen, do you? It takes a lot of hard work and a really, really big brain. That effort will include researchers from Harvard Medical School and several Harvard-affiliated teaching hospitals in Argentina and Kenya.

[Stem Cell Research Institute for Stem Cell Research organizational chart.]

* * *

[Colleagues gather at recent Stem Cell Research Conference on Stem Cell Research. From Left to Right: Professor Harold "The Finger" Wenk, Gesundheit Chair of Biological Research on Biology, Stanford; Wilbert "Beano" Tufts, Smithkline-Beecham Professor of Human Pharmacological Reseources, Stanford; John "The Forehead" Smithson, Chair of the How To Break Up a Group Photograph Department, UC-Davis; George Stands-Like-Klink, Johns-Hokpins University Department of Genetic Genetics; Fred "My Tunic's Tighter than My Corset" Ungerer, Chairman of Human Experimentation University of Wisconsin-Dolly Madison; and Willy "Big Jodhpur" Muhlmann, Post-Graduate Doctoral Candidate, Cellular Cell Studies, UC-San Francisco]

The institute will be co-directed by Melton and David "I Was Never an Embryo" Scadden of Massachusetts General Hospital. And isn't that a coincidence! Melton just happens to go on a successful safari for new stem cells, and Harvard just happens to make him Herr Direktor of a fully-funded Institute. Just be sure to remember that this is all about altruism, nothing but altruism . . . . . and the kids, of course. The ones we leave alive, I mean. The ones who'll grow up with glossy blond hair, bright blue eyes, and aptitudes for science, mathematics, and obeying orders.

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