SecretAgentMan's Dossier

Schroeder Addresses UN, Damages Podium

New York -- In his speech to the U.N. General Assembly a day after U.S. President George W. Bush urged other nations to help in Iraq, German Chancellor Gerhardt Schroeder said the Reich was prepared to provide humanitarian, technical and economic aid for cash on the barrelhead, and to train an Iraqi Security Services. Berlin has ruled out sending its own troops, preferring that Americans die instead. "Ze det benefits ist too expensiv," Schroeder said, "for de velt's most advanced sozialistiche nation to afford."

"Only de United Nations can guarantee ze legitimatzi zat ist needed vor Iraqi population to rapidly rebuild dat country under an independent, representative reich," he declared, "Ve know zis because only de United Nations could guarantee ze existence of Saddam Hussein's forceful rule over dem volk. It ist a welt-historische syllogismus."

President Bush ruled out a swift transfer of sovereignty to an Iraqi authority capable of spending money like a drunken sailor, as advocated notably by France. Bush wants to limit the U.N. role to helping draft a constitution and supervise elections.

Schroeder, in the tradition of Europe's effective diplomacy, did not sully himself by referring directly to the U.S. President's remarks. But he was even more worldly, sophisticated and nuanced than the brilliant French President Jacques "Lil' Boney" Chirac in criticizing the U.S. decision to invade Iraq and topple Saddam Hussein.

Schroeder warned against states acting as though they didn't need Europe's approval, and said the United Nations' monopoly on the use of U.S. force must be strengthened.

Schroeder also said the International Criminal Court, which the United States strongly opposes, was an important instrument of global justice against war crimes committed by U.S. officials and troops involved in the decision to invade Iraq and topple Saddam Hussein.

As the first chancellor to address the General Assembly since Willy Brandt when West Germany, which was created by the United States and which existed under U.S. protection, Schroeder spelled out Germany's ambition to win a permanent seat on the Security Council.

"It is unmoglich dat ze Reich ist verboten to haff a place in de Zun," Schroeder screamed, "ze cowboys haff it, ze effeminate French haff it, ze Bolsheviks haff it, und ze devious und zyphilitic Britische haff it! Ve vill not stand by vile dose who profited from destroying us control die Welt!" Schroeder, weeping and visibly shaking at the end of his speech, also said that Security Council membership was Germany's last diplomatic demand on the world community.